In Accordance with Older Law

Well, the first round of consideration for which oddly specific laws get kicked off the books is happening this week. Mayor Amundsen has been sitting in the diner, regaling anyone that can’t get away quick enough with some of the gems he himself has dredged up.

In case you forgot, the “arrangement” with the state says we can’t add new local codes at this point until we purge some of the older ones.

So, the Mayor has been looking for laws that actually name names. Yes, they do get that specific. And my, do these go back a ways.

Here are some of his favorites so far:

“Any woman that solicits callers without permission of Mary Margaret Gladstone may face fines, forfeiture, or expulsion from the camp.”

“Any child named Bradley caught stealing tomatoes will spend a year in jail and his parents will die of broken hearts. His toys will then be destroyed.”

“Ben Johnson ain’t allowed to feed his ‘pet anthill’ no more.”

“No worker may dig a latrine in their own tent. Especially workers named Larry.”

“Mister Peter Dunkage, of 303 South 2nd Street, may not practice any musical instrument before noon on weekends or holidays, nor may he practice after seven o’clock at night Sunday through Thursday.”

“No restaurants within the town limits may be named after their proprietor without express written permission following a unanimous vote by the City Council.”

“No child born with parents now living within the City of Leverite may be named at birth with a rhyming given and surname. Dawson Lawson shall be the last child in Leverite exempted from this rule.”

“Dawson Lawson may not pass any legal exemptions or entitlements granted by the City Council to his heirs or assignees. Enough with the rhyming names already.”

“Owners of green dogs found relieving themselves on Miss Martha Keating’s front lawn will face fines up to five dollars and jail time not to exceed two days.”


It has been Mayor Amundsen’s hope for some time now to get the bulk of the town code scraped to the ground and re-written in accordance with Oregon State’s “Guide for Municipalities.”

“They even have a checklist and everything,” he said, exasperated. “All we have to do is fill in the blanks and file it. Easy-Peasey. The challenge going forward then is to write new laws that, I don’t know, maybe a lawyer or a judge could look at first to see if the laws themselves held up in court at all.”

When someone sitting nearby noted that this is not how lawmaking worked in this country, the Mayor rolled his eyes, saying “I know, right. it would make too much sense that way, you know.”

This City Council will be addressing the first batch of submissions this Friday. Monday, they will begin taking new suggestions for putting the town’s rulebook on a diet.