This is your Community Bulletin for the week of September 3rd, 2016.
I’d like to report that things have been pretty uneventful, but that would be a damned dirty lie. It’s been pretty crazy here the last few days, and our “camper” friends are just the start of it.
The Forest Service got enough times and coordinates from concerned citizens to get a bead on their base camp. Authorities from the ATF, DEA, FBI and Wastewater Management staged a strategic raid using remote drones an ground personnel. It was just before dawn as they fell upon the camp only to discover that it had been abandoned. That, or someone else had gotten to them first. All about the camp were signs of a struggle, with the “campers,” who appear to have been part of a ring of armed mushroom poachers, seeming to have opened fire on each other at some point.
At this point, the investigation continues, but it is worrying. Considering the instances of psychosis we’ve seen recently in the back-country, what are these folks picking, and who are they selling it to? Is it possible that we are going to have to contend with The Duchess soon? Let us hope not.
Several of the poachers and smugglers were found dead at Barrett Falls, having appeared to have accidentally placed large rocks on their own backs and throwing themselves in the stream. Sadly, this prevented them from coming up for air. This attempts at camouflage did not pas the Darwin Test unfortunately.
Several others were found walking out of the woods with their hands tied behind their heads. When asked, all they would say is that they were attacked by Tarzan. They then made it clear that they knew their rights, and that this was all a conspiracy by Big Mushroom and overzealous government cronies to squash competition and the entrepreneurial spirit. The same fellow started making fun of Mr Singh’s beard and turban, explaining that he should go back where he came from. Mr Singh explained that he only just come from Salem that morning, but that the smart alec would be pleased to know that Mr Singh was indeed “going back to my homeland. Yes, with you in custody. So, we both can call this a win.”
Of fifteen identified individuals, the living and the dead that have been picked up only accounted for eleven of them. Supposedly, the other four were the ones that initially opened fire on everybody else, claiming “You don’t hear them? They’re coming out of the trees! the [redacted] [redacted] trees! No. Nononono you can’t be! You’re one of them… One of them! Nooooo!” as they opened fire on people that weren’t actually there, accidentally hitting several colleagues who actually were there.
Toxicology reports are pending.
One of the big questions is where did their stockpile go. This is also currently under investigation, however, the Council of Old Guys posit that raccoons probably stole them because, as Art Song said, “Why not [steal a pile of AR-15’s]? The steal everything else!”
Law enforcement officials have declined to comment at this time, except to say “Tying boulders to your back, then face planting in the water? That? I mean, what did they think they were going to accomplish?”
Townsfolk who were involved claimed that they couldn’t discuss the details, but that it was worth noting that these guys were really well geared and clearly well funded. Now, there are four of the most delusional ones running out there beyond the south ridge.
This makes our old Bear Attack problem look down-right pedestrian by comparison.
Tuesday should bring the announcement of who is taking North Parcel Five.
School also starts Tuesday, and parents and guardians across the area are champing at the bit for the respite and calm they experience with. Several couples have made no secret of their sojourns to adult novelty stores, and have booked rooms as far away as Lincoln City. This news comes with disgust and embarrassment from their teenage children, which for anyone who doesn’t know, is the entire point of having teenage children.
This issue of the Community Bulletin has been made possible by a grant from the Forest Service, for spreading the news they aren’t in a position to spread themselves.