Racoon Attack

Police Chief Lola Wells would like to alert everyone that, in the rush and panic over pimentos yesterday, a lot of folks in town missed her warning about raccoons. As such, a few people who left their sheds unlocked (and we aren’t naming names) are missing tools and other “useful shiny things.”

As editor, I too missed this warning, and the staff would like to apologize for this lack of responsiveness. That said, a written alert to republish on the site is a little more useful than a verbal aside during a heated discussion between town leaders, but that is inconsequential at this point.

Those of you who lost tools and parts, you have our sympathies.

Captain Wells added “As we all know, these sort of racoon prowls generally come ahead of organized sorties targeting dumpster, sheds, and outbuildings. So make sure to lock up dumpsters at night and bring small pets indoors. While there have been no recent report of rabies in the area, racoons are known carriers, so if you are bitten, seek medical assistance immediately.”

She also added, as she read over my shoulder, that the aside regarding written notice was “not passive aggressive at all” but was duly noted.

She then asked, as she was leaving the room, “Wait, are you typing this out as I’m saying it? Ugh, you’re impossible.”

To recap: Raccoons are a thieving nuisance, so take precautions and try not to get bit.